Whittling Away: Looking for an honest presidential candidate

I was skimming through the channels last night and kept running into another of those invigorating, sparkling political debates among 20 or 30 candidates from the same party.

After a few minutes of watching them try to convince me that they were the one for me to vote for without saying anything to offend anyone who might like one of the other candidates better, I switched channels and wound up watching a show on the Home and Garden Channel about making a lamp out of old thread spools and laminated chicken fat.

I really am getting fed up with “The Race for President.” It is being run at this stage at a pace that wouldn’t challenge an arthritic three-legged turtle. It just goes on and on and this is just the preliminary stage. It’s still weeks and weeks until the real candidates get picked and the real politicking gets underway. You’ll know when that happens because the rhetoric will change tone and the nasty can start.

Do you know what I’d like to see? I’d like to see just one candidate who was really honest with us. I don’t care if it’s a man, a woman or a border collie (they’re very smart, you know). I’d vote for someone who would stand up on national television wearing jeans and a Scooby Doo T-shirt and say something like; “I’m running for president. I don’t know anything about the job but it pays more than the job I’ve got now and the work isn’t as hard. The perks and benefits are great and last a lifetime, and I know my wife (husband) would like the house that comes with the job. She’d (he’d) probably stop those tours through it though, because she (he) always comments about the dirt I track in.

“I don’t have any idea about how to reduce or balance the budget, I have enough trouble with my checkbook. I will be hiring a bunch of my relatives who can’t find or keep a job. It’s a family thing. I will also be giving jobs to those folks who gave me a lot of money to run for president. I will try to give them jobs where they won’t get in the way too much, you know, something like ambassador to Liechtenstein.

“I do promise not to give any press conferences during prime time television hours or during any nationally televised sporting event. I’m not going to do much about our problems in the Middle East unless I can find someone who can explain it to me in terms that I can understand. I will discuss illegal immigration but I don’t think I’ll do much about it either until someone can show me how to get the work done that they are now doing.

“I don’t have any family members who will be an embarrassment to our country. There are a few mouth breathers and a bunch whose elevators don’t make it to the top floor, but all in all they’re not a bad bunch. My closet doesn’t have any skeletons, being at the present too full of my wife’s (husband’s) clothes.

“I’m honest most of the time and try not to be a burden on society and I’m good to my mother. So when Election Day rolls around, if you go to the polls, I’d appreciate it if you’d vote for me. Please tell your friends and neighbors what I have said since I’m not going to waste any more time or money on political ads and I’d like them to know something about me. Thanks.”

I think they’d do pretty well.

Thought for the week — “When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package.” — John Ruskin

Until next week, may you and yours be happy and well.

Reach Dick Brooks at Whittle12124@yahoo.com.